Brother appreciation post

No in Oklahoma sees me the way my brother sees me. They see just another out of place girl who is either stupid or stuck up or an unfortunate combination of both, but he saw me as a superhero. I can't connect with a single person in this place and he lit up like Christmas morning whenever I wanted to hang out with him. I so took for granted having someone like that who loved me like that so close to me. Here I can't imagine the feeling. No one bothers to venture a second glance- let alone a smile- at me as I pass by. Neither do I, which I guess is entirely my fault but it's hard to to take a chance in an environment so shockingly stifling. I was so looking forward to college being a place for experimenting and growing and being free and individualistic. Not so, sir. This is place is more cliquey than Paso, Paso High, or even offing Lewis Middle School ever was. Every girl looks the same- neon t-shirt/tank with track shorts and sports shoes, perpetually looking like they just got done with a workout that left their skin glowing, make up perfect, hair flawless. It is honestly shocking how many of these girls there are. They walk around in packs like lions ready to pounce at the sickly antelope that fell behind. [ie. antelope is me.] You can hear them everywhere, giggling to each other, giggling to boys, giggling to their never ending supply of alcohol that is, apparently, their lifeblood and only purpose for living from what I can hear of their exhausting conversations. 

I want to say these things wouldn't bother me in high school, but honestly they did bother me back then. The thing was, though, that there were about 15 of them always together, matching and giggling and flirting and partying. It was a very small portion of our total class population. And I remind you that this was in high school; that's what you expect in high school. The "popular crowd" who everyone knows of and feels ever so lightly less-than. It was tolerable because it was normal and everyone just kind of rolled with it. We were all friends anyway. 

But in college these people are EVERYONE, and they are not my friends. They flick their ponytails at me so they can feel more connected to each other, which I totally understand except that we are at a UNIVERSITY. A place of higher learning. Of stretching brains and excelsior and all that. These girls aren't stretching anything except their vaginas. That didn't even make sense, but it's true. They're cliquey sluts, and they have the right to be cliquey sluts, but not here. Not at the place I am paying thousands of dollars to attend so that I can be free of restrictions and discover myself. Not fair. NOT what I signed up for.

But then again, I guess I am learning a lot about myself in this dynamic. Because everyone is SO extremely different from me, I don't have the option to hide behind them like I used to. I am out in the open, baby. I never thought I was truly a stand-out freak but I am here, and it's an opportunity I can use.

In other news, at night the people in the tower across from me don't shut their blinds, so I can see completely into their rooms if they have the lights on. Not a creep or anything. Just stating fact.

Also, today I walked into a coffee shop and the nerdy guy at the counter told me they were closed. It wasn't his fault, but I was still pissed at him for it. Later I saw him in the library and he tried to nod at me because he recognized me and I gave the him the cold shoulder because he will forever go down in my book as the asshole who turned me away from Second Wind Coffee House.

I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower and am almost done with Will Grayson Will Grayson. They are saving me and making me feel like a real, normal person.

I really miss my brother and his amazing sense of humor and his sensitivity and his belief in me. I can't wait to see him this Christmas. And now I'm crying. Peace out.